April 2012

Dear Mom And Dad

Dear dad, where did you go?

I tried to run after you but mommy said no.

I sat at the window and waited for you.

Mom said you were gone but I knew it wasn’t true.

I remember when you and mom use to shout.

I would hide in my room and refuse to come out.

The bangs and booms that filled the night.

Cover my ears with my hands to block out the fight.

Dear dad, why did you hurt mommy like that?

Why did you call her a slut and say she was fat?

Guess what? I actually made the soccer team.

But some of the kids don’t like me, they’re so mean.

I wanted you to watch me play my first game.

But because of you I was never the same.

Dear dad, why did you leave?

You left mom alone to cry and grieve.

Dad, you couldn’t see the tears that she cried.

Dad! You weren’t even there when Jacob died!

Dear mom, it’s your son, the one you gave away.

I still think about you almost every single day.

I still miss you calling me your baby angel and your hugs.

Too bad you had to get caught up in those drugs.

Dear mom, I know that you thought giving me up was for the best.

I could tell by your face that you were always depressed.

I’m really sorry that I couldn’t help you.

At the age of eight, what could I really do?

Mom, I could see that you were struggling to live.

As for dad, I knew you would never forgive.

Guess what? I got all A’s on my report card.

And you’re part of the reason I am scarred.

I missed it when you were never around.

You were too busy whoring around town.

I made the high school tennis team, aren’t you proud?

I wanted to talk to you but they said it wasn’t allowed.

Dear mom, I tried something today.

It actually took all my pain away.

Now I know why you did what you did.

Just like mother, just like kid.

I painted a picture and it was for you.

It was for you but nobody knew.

I sit up late at night wondering where you are.

Wondering if you’re in a house or at some bar.

Dear mom, I’m laying here thinking about you.

Are you thinking about me too?

Dear mom and dad, I miss you a lot.

Look at this creation that you have wrought.

Can you feel that I’m dying inside?

Why weren’t you there when I almost died?

I guess I just don’t matter to you any more.

Why do you hate the thing you use to adore?

I screamed your names as loud as I could.

I want to end my life, do you think I should?

Do you even care that I feel so alone?

If I gave you a call, would you answer the phone?

Dear mom and dad, today I sat and cried.

I told people I was fine but I actually lied.

See, all I want is to feel your love and know that you care.

I’ve wished for you and everything, sent up prayer after prayer.

I just don’t understand what I did wrong.

I just want to find out where I belong.

Dear mom and dad, things are crazy over here.

I have an awful feeling that my end is getting near.

But I don’t think that this really matters to you.

You’re busy and don’t care about what I’ve been through.

So I guess this letter is over and done.

Sincerely always,

your son.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.